I'M SO MAD AT LADY SOVEREIGN!



First of all, if you don't know, homegirl is a 20-year old rapper from Britain -- but she looks like a 12-year-old girl who just snuck out of her house and stole a black eyeliner from CVS, and she sounds like a 30-year-old from Jamaica.

Truth be told, I do have a certain affinity for Sov and her total digging on life. I love that she's the badassest, tomboyest little snotnosed brat; that she wears her house keys around her neck; that she smokes weed and plays PlayStation; that she has both a tour bus and perfect skin; that she will never slut it up in short skirts or pretend to be friends with Paris Hilton for publicity. I love that she sings "We ain't all posh like the queen/ we ain't all squeaky clean/ Now do the Tony Blair/ throw your hands int the air" and even better, "Jenny from da block -- more like Jenny from a flock of pigeons!"

But I hate her for this: she brought the side ponytail back... before I could! For years, I have been meaning to bring it back... but it's the sort of thing you have to bring back with a thud, not a whimper. It's the sort of the thing that requires commitment. In 2001, I won a dare and had my roommate go around the subway in Boston with one to see if America was ready to re-accept the side ponytail, but America wasn't. The side ponytail made a brief appearance during the height of Napoleon Dynamite, but the world didn't quite get the genius of it. Now, here comes Lady. Not only did she bring it back, but she incorporated a partial cornrow into it, and not only that but an artfully sloping partial cornrow, seemingly done with a French curve. I fold.

Put away your flat irons, your celebrity gossip magazines, and your manners -- they're all irrelevant now that Sov demands your attention. Get out your Goody brush and some elastic bands and join the side-ponytailed nation when Lady Soverign performs at Studio A tonight. See www.myspace.com/studioamiami.

P.S. Let's give credit where credit is due: