I AIN'T SAYIN' I'M A GOLD DIGGER

Monday, October 30, 2006

Now I'm usually all about the blue-collar guys: to me, motor oil, diesel fumes, or jet fuel work like Hai Karate. (You know, the cologne that comes with a manual showing how to fight the ladies off.) But every so often, a girl gets a case of what my friend Jordan calls "trophy wife envy."

So on Friday, I headed down to the Fort Lauderdale International Boat Show -- Well , not the actual show. I mean, I wasn't there to check out the boats. Instead, I scored an invite to some of the yachties' private party at a mansion in Harbor Beach. There were two dozen valet parkers, a check-in table, a woman hired to hold the front door open, models walking around dressed as mermaids, a table where they were selling co-op membership for a private jet, and a stand where cooks were cooking fresh hot crepes on a griddle. Oddly, there were only two bars.

Long story short: my envy was short-lived. Sure, I met some rich international dudes. They included a guy from Britain who sells marinas and another who sells tenders. One of them was smoking a cigar. Two dudes in dress shirts cut in front of me in line to get drinks. Then I encountered a Miami-based man who sells yachts (2 a year pays his salary) and gave me a treatise on how "women age horribly between 40 and 55, while men just get better looking. I'm 55. But my girlfriend's 33." This guy introduced me to a plastic surgeon who – I shit you not – looked at my rack and said “real. If she paid for those, they ought to be a lot bigger." Classy. I bet being a trophy wife sucks.

Anyway, I'm sorry that I slacked and didn't hook y'all up with a preview of all the parties surrounding the boat show. I promise that next year, I will. Until then, let me direct you to a little bar called the Treasure Trove, on the corner of Las Olas Boulevard and A1A. It's where the crew -- first mates, captains, deckhands, divers -- hang out. Not only will these guys not cut in front of you at the bar, but they'll probably buy you a beer. If you have any trouble finding it, just follow the scent of diesel.