CLASH OF THE TITUSES

Thursday, October 26, 2006

I never watched the TV show Titus. I think it was something about Titus’s appearance – he’s kind of a weird-looking blond dude. (I get kind of creeped out by grown men who are blond, the way some people get scared of clowns.) Or maybe it was because the only TV I really ever watch is MTV. But I started to like Christopher Titus when I saw him on an episode of Cribs (I think it was Cribs). He was all about showing off his blond wife and his kid. He seemed like such a family dude. From then on, every time I came across him in a magazine, I noticed that he was pictured with his wife (or his cars; he had a lot of cars). So when he called today, and the first thing out of his mouth was that he is getting a divorce, I was kind of bummed for humanity.

I liked Titus a lot more after I talked to him. And I liked him even more when I discovered he had roles on 21 Jump Street and Killer Klowns from Outer Space. He’s like, practically a legend. I didn’t tape the interview and homeboy speaks really fast, but here are some excerpts from our interview:

D: So what are you doing right now?
Titus: Driving to Vegas, then catching a flight to Calgary to do a movie. It’s a movie I’m doing in 3-D. The director called to see if I wanted to play the dad of this girl. It’s a horror movie, which is weird because I’m not in the horror genre. He’s cool – he’d ask if I had any input, he said ‘We’ll put it in.” So I was coming up with all this funny stuff, but he put the kibosh on that. He’s like, “Noooo, what are you doing?!” He’s got all these horrific ideas; it’s like Scarface; it’s awesome. It’s supposed to be big.

D: What else you got going on?
Titus: I’m working on a deal with NBC. A new show, sitcom. But there’s no green light yet.

D: What’s it about?
Titus: Well, I’m in the middle of divorce –

D: No way! I’m so sorry to hear that!
Titus: I know, does that suck or what?

D: But I saw you on Cribs or some reality show –
Titus: I know, I know. But my wife got new boobs, new eyes, they rebuilt her from the ground up. I guess he was getting ready for someone else.

D: Dayum!
Titus: So my new [standup] show is called the “5th Annual End of the World Tour.” And next I’m working on this show called Forever Divorced. I’ll tell the whole story, the whole nightmare.

D: If you don’t mind me asking, what happened?
Titus: She cheating on me with a 60-year-old man. But he had10 million dollars.

D: Damn.
Titus: Yeah, but she’s crazy in bed – this guy’s gonna break a hip.

D: Don’t you guys have kids, too? I’m so sad.
Titus: Yes, I have a daughter and a son – a 2- and a 5-year-old. But in court, she lied – said that I beat her and beat the kids… we’re in a fight for custody. This is the biggest fight I’ve ever been in in my life…. I was away for seven months on my End of the World tour. I was [selling out], getting standing ovations every night. So I asked God [to give me some experiences so I could have more material and top this success]. But tell everyone to be a little more specific when you ask God for something. Or he might give you a nightmare! Write about that – you’ve got to specify that you want something good to happen – don’t give him a blank slate!

D: I like how take all this really negative, insane stuff and turn it into just a funny story – like you did in Titus, making fun of your dysfunctional family.
Titus: I’ve done that my whole career. Like, with Norman Rockwell is Bleeding, and now with the Fifth Annual end of the World Tour. My child was born16 days before 9/11. They’ve only grown up knowing war… My daughter learns her colors from the terror alert rainbow. She thinks Winnie-the-Pooh is a medium threat…

D: Having used your family for material, are you hyper-conscious of everything you say and do with your kids? I mean, what if they grow up and make fun of you?
Titus: I hope they do, then I’ll have a new show….

[conversation somehow turns to divorce]
We had such a great relationship, [but then things started going wrong]. There was money missing… [she messed around while I was on the road]. [Some of it’s] not funny – I’m still a little close to it. But here’s the point – since this happened, I met [and started dating] the best woman in world. It’s almost like I dropped an anchor. Like God said, “I’ll give you everything you want, but you’ve gotta get rid of this bitch.” If she… some really heinous things happened and are still happening.

D: So let’s talk about some of the happier things you’ve got going on.
Titus: That movie, the show, a family movie. My comedy special was picked up by Comedy Central.

D: This might be a weird question, but does it ever feel weird to be a grown man who is blond? There’s just not that many of you.
Titus: My new girlfriend has brown hair, so I defer to her. [In bimbo voice:] I don’t understand! Ask her!

D: Do blondes have more fun?
Titus: Yeah, except when their wives divorce them.

D: Tell me about the standup you do.
Titus: [I’ve been lucky] in my life – I’ve got a TV show, I got to rip on my family for years. I’ve got all these opportunites, but when you get onstage – comedy is the last bastion of free speech in America … The show I’m doing now – It’s being turned into a film in January, and the second I film something, I stop doing it – But I really going after everything that has happened [since Bush has been President]. This has been the toughest presidency since Lincoln [because of the challenges and world events]. I open the paper every day and go “Dammit.” You know that saying that great hardship requires great leadership – but in this case…

I’ve been doing standup since I was 18. The new show is a bit like, “I’m whitey and I apologize… just about everything that’s going on… How your first kid is amazing, like your first car – you can’t believe you have it , but you know you’re gonna put dents in it… [I talk about what’s going on] in the world. [I’m going to go to Iraq to entertain soldiers]… I’ve gone to Europe to meet the troops. [I think a lot of people have] kind of lost the fact that there’s a war going on.

D: I know. I mean, I was at a Guns N’ Roses concert last night; then the next morning I read the paper and see oh yeah, people are dying over there.
Titus: You saw Guns N Roses last night? How was it?

D: Awesome.
Titus: Was Axl late?

D: Of course. That’s rock n’ roll.
Titus: Yeah, but Axl brings it to another level. He’ll have a show scheduled for Tuesday and he’ll show up Thursday… he must not have a watch. He must be an alien from another planet, where they just don’t have time.

D: Oh, I wanted to ask you about joking about Bush – are the Bush jokes played out? Isn’t he an easy target, like Michael Jackson?
Titus: You mean like making fun of a retarded kid? Except the retarded kid is running the country! It’s like, “Oh, the retarded kid, he seems sweet – let’s let him run the most powerful country on Earth! Michael Jackson has no power … The torture chambers – did we really [imprison guys for torturing the enemy]? The enemy is cutting people’s heads off with a hacksaw and video taping it and sending it home and calling it justice – but we call it “torture” on our side. If we put underwear on some guy’s head, strip him naked, stick an egg between his butt cheeks and make him do jumping jacks… If it can’t get you into frat at Chico State University, it’s not torture. That big pyramid of naked guys, they’re just pledging. Remember Lynndie England? I used to date chicks like her.

D: So where are you on your way to now?
Titus: I gotta make that 5:00 flight to Vegas to get to Calagry… then I gotta do a show in Pittsburgh, then I need to meet my lawyer, then Tuesday I film another movie.

D: Are you excited to come to Florida? Any ties here?
Titus: I looove that Hard Rock Hotel . And I love Florida audiences. But you have hurricane season.

D: Yeah, and last year was bad, and Katrina, but usually – what you don’t see on TV is that, like one person dies, and everybody else, just their fence blows down, and we get a day off work, get a bottle of rum and have hurricane parties.
Titus:Wow. In California, we don’t have earthquake festivals…

D: Do you still own a bunch of hot rods?
Titus: Until the divorce made me sell them all. But I’m going to start writing for another car magazine, and get some cool new cars. A divorce is like taking a big eraser and erasing everything you’ve ever done. But it’s better it happens now than 20 years from now.

D: How old are you now?
Titus: 42. But my girlfriend’s 29.

D: Oh my god! That’s such a cliché!
Titus: I can’t believe you called me a cliché!

D: Please. Like the old dude and the hot young chick – like Harrison Ford or Woody Allen; like Shrek getting Princess Fiona!
Titus: I can’t believe you called me Shrek! Post-potion or pre-potion?

D: Post.
Titus: Aw, good save.

D: Okay, one last question – I ask this of all comedians, cause you should have a good answer.
Titus: Okay, go.

D: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Titus: He was getting divorced. And he heard there was 29-year-old girl on the other side. And he wanted to be a cliché.